what to do when your friend has a death in the family

grief & loss

Helping Someone Who's Grieving

Is someone you know grieving a loss? Larn what to say and how to comfort someone through bereavement, grief, and loss.

Young woman, arm around another, comforting her

How to support someone who'south grieving

When someone you care nearly is grieving after a loss, it can be difficult to know what to say or do. The bereaved struggle with many intense and painful emotions, including depression, anger, guilt, and profound sadness. Often, they as well feel isolated and alone in their grief, since the intense hurting and hard emotions tin can make people uncomfortable about offering back up.

You may be afraid of intruding, saying the wrong thing, or making your loved 1 experience even worse at such a difficult time. Or perchance you lot recollect in that location'southward lilliputian you tin can practice to make things better. That'southward understandable. Only don't let discomfort prevent you from reaching out to someone who is grieving. At present, more than ever, your loved one needs your support. Y'all don't need to have answers or give communication or say and do all the right things. The most important thing you can do for a grieving person is to simply be there. It'due south your support and caring presence that will help your loved one cope with the pain and gradually begin to heal.

The keys to helping a loved i who's grieving

Don't let fears well-nigh proverb or doing the wrong affair stop you from reaching out.
Allow your grieving loved one know that you're there to mind.
Understand that everyone grieves differently and for unlike lengths of fourth dimension.
Offer to assist in applied ways.
Maintain your support after the funeral.

Helping a grieving person tip ane: Sympathize the grieving process

The improve your understanding of grief and how it is healed, the better equipped yous'll be to help a bereaved friend or family member:

There is no right or wrong way to grieve. Grief does not always unfold in orderly, predictable stages. Information technology tin be an emotional rollercoaster, with unpredictable highs, lows, and setbacks. Anybody grieves differently, so avoid telling your loved one what they "should" be feeling or doing.

Grief may involve farthermost emotions and behaviors. Feelings of guilt, anger, despair, and fearfulness are common. A grieving person may yell to the heavens, obsess about the death, lash out at loved ones, or cry for hours on end. Your loved i needs reassurance that what they experience is normal. Don't judge them or take their grief reactions personally.

In that location is no prepare timetable for grieving. For many people, recovery subsequently bereavement takes 18 to 24 months, just for others, the grieving process may be longer or shorter. Don't pressure level your loved one to move on or make them feel like they've been grieving too long. This tin can actually slow the healing procedure.

Tip ii: Know what to say to someone who'due south grieving

While many of united states of america worry about what to say to a grieving person, information technology'due south actually more important to mind. Oftentimes, well-significant people avert talking about the expiry or change the subject field when the deceased person is mentioned. Or, knowing at that place'southward nothing they can say to make information technology better, they try to avoid the grieving person altogether.

But the bereaved demand to feel that their loss is best-selling, it's not too terrible to talk most, and their loved ane won't be forgotten. 1 twenty-four hour period they may want to cry on your shoulder, on another twenty-four hours they may want to vent, or sit in silence, or share memories. By being present and listening compassionately, you can take your cues from the grieving person. Simply beingness there and listening to them can be a huge source of condolement and healing.

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How to talk—and mind—to someone who's grieving

While y'all should never try to force someone to open, information technology'south important to let your grieving friend or loved one know that you're there to listen if they want to talk about their loss. Talk candidly nigh the person who died and don't steer abroad from the subject if the deceased's proper name comes upwards. And when it seems appropriate, inquire sensitive questions—without being nosy—that invite the grieving person to openly express their feelings. By simply asking, "Practice you feel like talking?" y'all're letting your loved one know that you're bachelor to mind.

You can also:

Acknowledge the situation. For example, you could say something as simple as: "I heard that your father died." By using the word "died" you'll show that you're more than open to talk almost how the grieving person really feels.

Limited your business organisation. For example: "I'm sorry to hear that this happened to you."

Allow the bereaved talk nearly how their loved ane died. People who are grieving may need to tell the story over and over again, sometimes in infinitesimal detail. Exist patient. Repeating the story is a way of processing and accepting the decease. With each retelling, the pain lessens. By listening patiently and compassionately, you lot're helping your loved one heal.

[Read: Bereavement: Grieving the Loss of a Loved One]

Ask how your loved one feels. The emotions of grief can alter rapidly so don't assume you know how the bereaved person feels at whatever given time. If y'all've gone through a like loss, share your own experience if you lot think it would assistance. Remember, though, that grief is an intensely private experience. No two people feel it exactly the same way, so don't claim to "know" what the person is feeling or compare your grief to theirs. Again, put the emphasis on listening instead, and ask your loved one to tell you lot how they're feeling.

Accept your loved one'due south feelings. Permit the grieving person know that it's okay to weep in forepart of you, to get aroused, or to pause down. Don't try to reason with them over how they should or shouldn't feel. Grief is a highly emotional experience, and so the bereaved need to feel gratuitous to express their feelings—no affair how irrational—without fear of judgment, argument, or criticism.

Be genuine in your communication. Don't endeavor to minimize their loss, provide simplistic solutions, or offering unsolicited advice. Information technology's far better to just listen to your loved i or simply acknowledge: "I'm not certain what to say, merely I want you to know I care."

Be willing to sit in silence. Don't press if the grieving person doesn't experience like talking. Often, comfort for them comes from merely being in your company. If y'all can't think of something to say, just offer middle contact, a clasp of the hand, or a reassuring hug.

Offer your support. Enquire what you can do for the grieving person. Offer to help with a specific task, such as helping with funeral arrangements, or just exist there to hang out with or equally a shoulder to weep on.

Things to avoid saying to someone who's grieving

"It'southward part of God's program." This platitude can acrimony people. Oft, they'll answer with, "What plan? Nobody told me about any program."

"Look at what you have to be thankful for." They know they accept things to exist thankful for, but correct now they are not important.

"He'southward in a better place now." The bereaved may or may not believe this. Keep your behavior to yourself unless asked.

"This is behind you now; it's fourth dimension to get on with your life." Sometimes the bereaved are resistant to getting on with because they experience this means "forgetting" their loved ane. Besides, moving on is much easier said than done. Grief has a heed of its ain and works at its own pace.

Statements that begin with "Y'all should" or "Yous will." These statements are too directive. Instead you could begin your comments with: "Have you lot thought about…" or "You lot might try…"

Source: American Hospice Foundation

Tip 3: Offering practical assistance

It is difficult for many grieving people to inquire for help. They might feel guilty nigh receiving so much attention, fear being a brunt to others, or simply exist too depressed to reach out. A grieving person may not have the energy or motivation to call you when they need something, so instead of saying, "Let me know if there's anything I tin can do," make it easier for them past making specific suggestions. You lot could say, "I'm going to the marketplace this afternoon. What can I bring you from at that place?" or "I've made beef stew for dinner. When tin can I come by and bring you some?"

If you lot're able, try to be consistent in your offers of assistance. The grieving person will know that y'all'll be there for as long equally it takes and can look forwards to your attentiveness without having to make the additional endeavour of request again and again.

There are many applied means y'all can help a grieving person. You lot tin can offering to:

Shop for groceries or run errands.
Drib off a goulash or other type of nutrient.
Help with funeral arrangements.
Stay in your loved one's home to take phone calls and receive guests.
Help with insurance forms or bills.
Have care of housework, such equally cleaning or laundry.
Watch their children or pick them upward from school.
Drive your loved ane wherever they need to go.
Look afterwards your loved one's pets.
Go with them to a support grouping meeting.
Accompany them on a walk.
Take them to lunch or a motion picture.
Share an enjoyable activity (sport, game, puzzle, fine art project).

Tip 4: Provide ongoing support

Your loved 1 volition go along grieving long after the funeral is over and the cards and flowers have stopped. The length of the grieving process varies from person to person, but often lasts much longer than most people expect. Your bereaved friend or family member may need your support for months or even years.

Continue your support over the long haul. Stay in bear on with the grieving person, periodically checking in, dropping by, or sending letters or cards. Once the funeral is over and the other mourners are gone, and the initial shock of the loss has worn off, your support is more valuable than ever.

Don't make assumptions based on outward appearances. The bereaved person may await fine on the outside, while inside they're suffering. Avoid maxim things similar "You are so strong" or "Yous await so well." This puts pressure on the person to keep upward appearances and to hide their true feelings.

The pain of bereavement may never fully heal. Be sensitive to the fact that life may never feel the same. Y'all don't "get over" the death of a loved one. The bereaved person may learn to accept the loss. The pain may lessen in intensity over time, simply the sadness may never completely go away.

Offer extra support on special days. Certain times and days of the year volition be particularly hard for your grieving friend or family member. Holidays, family milestones, birthdays, and anniversaries often reawaken grief. Be sensitive on these occasions. Let the bereaved person know that you're there for whatever they need.

Tip 5: Watch for warning signs of depression

It'due south common for a grieving person to feel depressed, dislocated, asunder from others, or similar they're going crazy. But if the bereaved person's symptoms don't gradually start to fade—or they get worse with fourth dimension—this may exist a sign that normal grief has evolved into a more serious trouble, such as clinical depression.

Encourage the grieving person to seek professional aid if you observe any of the following alert signs after the initial grieving period—especially if it's been over 2 months since the death.

Difficulty functioning in daily life.
Extreme focus on the decease.
Excessive bitterness, anger, or guilt.
Neglecting personal hygiene.
Booze or drug corruption.

Inability to enjoy life.
Hallucinations.
Withdrawing from others.
Constant feelings of hopelessness.
Talking about dying or suicide.

It tin can be catchy to bring upwards your concerns to the bereaved person as you don't want to be perceived as invasive. Instead of telling the person what to exercise, endeavor stating your ain feelings: "I am troubled by the fact that you aren't sleeping—mayhap yous should look into getting help."

Take talk of suicide very seriously

If a grieving friend or family fellow member talks virtually suicide, seek help immediately. Delight read Suicide Prevention or phone call a suicide helpline:

In the U.S., call 1-800-273-8255.
In the Britain, phone call 116 123.
Or visit IASP for a helpline in your country.

How to comfort a child who'south grieving

Even very young children experience the pain of bereavement, but they learn how to express their grief past watching the adults around them. Subsequently a loss—specially of a sibling or parent—children need back up, stability, and honesty. They may also demand actress reassurance that they will be cared for and kept safe. As an developed, yous tin support children through the grieving process past demonstrating that it'southward okay to be sad and helping them make sense of the loss.

Answer any questions the child may have as truthfully equally you tin. Use very simple, honest, and concrete terms when explaining death to a child. Children—especially immature children—may blame themselves for what happened and the truth helps them come across they are not at fault.

Open communication will smooth the way for a kid to limited distressing feelings. Because children oftentimes express themselves through stories, games, and artwork, encourage this self-expression, and look for clues in those activities nearly how they are coping.

Helping a grieving child
Do:
Allow your child, however young, to attend the funeral if they want to. Convey your spiritual values nigh life and death or pray with your child. Meet regularly as a family to observe out how everyone is coping. Help your child find ways to symbolize and memorialize the deceased person. Keep your kid's daily routine as normal as possible. Pay attention to the way your kid plays; this can be how they communicate grief.
Don't:
Force a child to publicly mourn if they don't want to. Requite faux or confusing letters, like "Grandma is sleeping now." Tell a kid to stop crying because others might get upset. Attempt to shield a child from the loss. Children choice upwards on much more than adults realize. Including them in the grieving process will assistance them adapt and heal. Stifle your tears. By crying in front end of your child, yous send the message that it's okay for them to express feelings, too. Plow your kid into your personal confidante. Rely on another developed or a support group instead.

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Source: https://www.helpguide.org/articles/grief/helping-someone-who-is-grieving.htm